‘Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.’ -Shel Silverstein
Exactly a year ago yesterday, literally, I was typing out parts of Logan’s story, parts of my story, parts of our family’s story, that started exactly the same about Logan. I will start this post off with PLEASE KEEP READING AND PLEASE, PLEASE SHARE!! Let’s start with Logan is absolutely my hero. He is so much. Logan fights everyday to live the life he lives. Logan is nine years old and has taught me things about life that I don’t think, no! I KNOW that I couldn’t have learned without him. Logan you see is a little ‘different’ than what some call ‘average.’ (To me, Logan is just the way he’s supposed to be). You see… Logan had several strokes in utero, yes you read that correctly, strokes. I’ll say it one more time… Logan had several strokes in utero (inside my stomach). Even as I type that out, there’s still a bit of a sting to it. Never in a million years did I expect that, No one plans for their child to have disabilities… In fact, I wasn’t even aware that it was possible for a child to have a stroke until… BAM! It happened! It has been a continuous roller coaster of wonderful, sad, scary, happy, magical and so many more things. Last year my post was about the first major surgery Logan was scheduled to have, that actually ended up being pushed off for several months as the were concerned Logan had cancer (thank God he does not). Well here we are a year later and this past Friday we went for a routine orthopedic appointment and found out Logan needs a pretty major surgery and it’s scheduled for a mere three weeks out. (March 29th) Ironically enough March is Cerebral Palsy & Epilepsy Awareness month, neither of which have played a part in the scheduling of Logan’s surgery, but are our day to day life, amongst other things. Let me just say, somewhere inside of me I thought that hearing those words again, because it was inevitable and because I knew Logan would need more surgeries (not this one, and no one knew this one would be in his future) and because he’d been through it now, may be easier to hear. Let me be the first to say they were not. In fact, they may have been harder than the first time. This surgery was so far off my radar it just didn’t seem real when he said we needed to do it sooner than later. It is a surgery on his right foot again because and as the doctor said, his foot has returned to it’s ‘normal’ position in a way he’s never seen happen before after his first surgery on his entire foot/leg/hip. (The leg and hip are doing great! So that’s good news!!) His Dr. was very honest with us and Logan, which we greatly appreciate, and let us know this surgery will be much more invasive, in depth and will be much more painful for Logan. While none of this was easy to hear, the hardest was what Logan responded with. Logan simply looked at Dr. G and me and said, “But I’ve been doing all of my stretches, I’ve worked really hard and done all of my physical therapy, I don’t need surgery again, because I’ve worked so hard.” In that moment my heart broke for Logan. Never did I want him to think this was his fault or because he hadn’t worked ‘hard enough’. Very quickly we corrected Logan and let him know that this was not his fault. That sometimes we just needed some extra help, and that he was absolutely the strongest person I know. That he has done everything right. Thankfully Logan is resilient and so, so strong. He immediately straightened up, looked down at his leg and pretended to hit it and said “bad leg, you’re not being good to me.” and laughed. This. This was a relief. It was a relief that thankfully cognitively he was able to manage that this wasn’t his fault, that he, in his mind, was able to separate his leg being the problem, rather than HIM being the problem. This reminded me that my family is taken care of. That Logan is loved and the he knows he is loved. That he knows he will be ok. So on we went with scheduling. And bam. Logan’s doctor suggested doing it the 29th, and the reason to wait until then, was only because Logan has to be casted for two week prior to the surgery. Oh, and casting in our world is slightly different than casting in most people’s world. This was another hurdle. Casting is painful. It’s a hard cast, but a cast that forces Logan’s foot to be in a position that quite frankly is very uncomfortable for him. What did Logan do? He smiled and said another cast?! Really. Then he said ok, ok, but this time I’m picking everything I want. I couldn’t help but tear up. Logan has been through things in life that most people will never, and I really mean never, have to experience. Logan is the strongest person I know. He knows this is going to hurt and he knows he doesn’t want to do it, but yet he has yet to complain. He has yet to throw the towel in. He not only does these things with grace, but with so much dignity. The past few days have been a lot. We have so much good things going on, but this, this was not in our plan. However, I know that God has a plan and that Logan is taken care of. Logan has defied so many odds, the doctors didn’t think he’d survive at first. And certainly didn’t think he would walk or talk. (And trust this kid can run! AND TALK FOR DAYS!! ) My life has been forever changed. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Logan has taught me patience, kindness, understanding, love. He has also taught me to care for others in a way I didn’t know was possible, he has taught me to never judge a book by it’s cover. Because guess what, I am that mom with the nine year old boy throwing a tantrum, hitting and biting me, and screaming in the middle of target or in the kiss and ride lane, while I’m holding my toddler and my seven year old is holding my hand, I am that mom who cries in the shower on occasion because I am praying that my son never feels different or not a part of, I am that mom who has to always be hovering to keep an eye on their child. I am that mom who wishes that instead of being judged, it’d be SO nice for someone to offer to help. Logan has taught me that disabilities doesn’t mean weird, or odd or bad. He’s taught me to love people for who they are and that each and everyone of us has a purpose here. He’s taught me that a small gesture can go such a long way. He’s taught me that you don’t ever know what another person is going through just by looking at them. So, Logan may be ‘different’ in your eyes, or ‘disabled’ , or not ‘average’. But this kid, this kid is perfect in mine. He is strong, courageous, kind, smart, funny, loving, intelligent, sensitive, out going, spunky, talented, graceful and simply amazing. Yes, Logan has Cerebral Palsy, Epilepsy, Autism, ADHD, Behavioral Challenges, Cognitive Delays, etc., but Logan is the definition of a her0-
Logan, I love you more than I can even begin to put into words. I hope you know how proud mama is of you and the man you are becoming. I hope you know that mama will always, and I mean always, be here for you and will always fight for you and what’s best for you. You are an amazing big brother to your little sisters and an amazing person. I am so glad you chose me to be your mama. I promise I will always try to show you what a little hero you are. I love you, Logan to the moon and back. I pinky promise.
If you pray, please pray for Logan, pray for an easy, as easy as it can be, surgery and an easy recovery. If praying isn’t your thing, please send good vibes our way. Were always open to both. <3.
Part of my reasoning in writing this is to also raise awareness of intra uterine strokes, and pediatric strokes. Not just strokes, but also cerebral palsy, epilepsy, autism, adhd etc.. Please, please, please feel free to share this link. March is Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month and Brain Injury Awareness Month (Strokes are considered brain Injuries) as well as Epilepsy Awareness Month all of which Logan has. May is Pediatric Stroke Awareness Month and I will be doing a fundraiser… Pediatric Strokes remain one of the top 10 causes of death in children, so PLEASE share and help raise awareness and know the signs.